MET Eireann Issue Status Red Session Alert As Universities Set To Stay Closed On Monday

Officials at MET Eireann are expecting session levels to hit peaks not seen since the Great Snow Storm of ’09 which saw a critical national shortage in both Tuborg and Karpackie, which threatened to destabilize¬† the entire country.

MET Eireann has upgraded the status orange warning that had previously been in place for the Harcourt Street area. The area falling under the red warning is ever-expanding, with spontaneous sessions popping up so fast that the service is struggling to keep pace.

The national meteorological service has announced an expected vodka-fall of around 350ml per student with a 100% chance of cans.

 

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ASCOUGH TO STUDENTS: “PRO-CHOICE? OF COURSE I’LL BE… YOU CAN CHOOSE PRO-LIFE MICROWAVES OR ‘NEUTRAL’ MICROWAVES”

Despite being deeply invested in the debate over the 8th amendment, UCDSU President Katie Ascough has denied accusations that she covered up her staunch Pro-Life stance to secure victory, saying she was just busy focusing on the big issue: Equal access for all students (particularly young women) to safe, legal, reheating of left-overs.

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